“Often people attempt to live their lives backwards: they try to have more things, or more money, in order to do more of what they want so that they will be happier. The way it actually works is the reverse. You must first be who your really are, then do what you really need to do, in order to have what you really want.” – Margaret Young
But how do you go about doing this? Where do you start? Both are really good questions, but the beginning point most definitely starts with embracing your authenticity, which often includes embracing your shame.
Brene Brown has described authenticity as: a collection of choices that we have to make every day. When I think about authenticity I think about the concept of being who you really are and exposing the real you. It is about showing up and being seen. It is allowing your “self” to be witnessed, not only by other people, but by yourself. It is about embracing transparency, while allowing yourself whole self to be seen.
People every second of every day make choices based on what think is the safest, easiest, or most comfortable. This often leads to complacency coupled with a constant search for happiness or contentment through other means (i.e. drugs, alcohol, sex, consumption, gambling, over eating, under eating, etc.). We often do a great deal of storytelling. One of the stories you may tell yourself is that it is simply too risky being authentic and going after what you really want because the unknown or end result of this can be terrifying. What if it doesn’t work out? What if I regret this? These are very plausible questions, but they are also stories based out of fear which then take you right back to the beginning of your ever-so-convincing story. We become masters of having cyclical conversations with ourselves. We can quickly convince ourselves that it probably just easier and/safer to continue doing what we are already doing. Perhaps this means staying in an unhealthy relationship, or an unsatisfying job. Perhaps this means not having that difficult conversation with your mother that you have been wanting/needing to have, or telling someone how you really feel about them. Maybe you have repressed feelings that you really want to share with someone, but are too afraid of risking it and it then rubbing upon a fear of yours, such as rejection or judgment. If being authentic were easy, everyone would be doing it, right? But, what if it is the only way to becoming who you really are and living the life you really want to live? Often what makes being authentic so difficult is the stories we tell ourselves, our past conditioning, our patterns, and our fears. To be authentic, we have to be vulnerable and, for many people, being vulnerable is terrifying.
So why live an inauthentic life? We live in a society which makes it increasingly difficult to be ourselves. There is always the latest and greatest image we need to strive for. We are told how to look, what to obtain, what to do, and in many ways, how to feel. It all seems so easy, so why doesn’t it work? Because these things and idealizations take us farther away from who we really are. They add yet another mask that too will expire as soon as it runs its course and leaves us reaching for the next latest and greatest thing to obtain outside of ourselves.
In my work, I have come to see first hand that when you trade in our authenticity for things such as comfort, certainty, and safety, the following will often result: anxiety, eating disorders, uncontrollable anger, addictions, blame, resentment, depression and suicide – just to name a few. Is this really a good pay off for being the person you think everyone else wants you to be? Does this seem like a healthy way of living? While these things may provide you with safety, certainty and a way to numb out, perhaps there is a healthier way of achieving the same?
I am recalling an exchange I had with someone not too long ago as I write this. This person has at least three different lives going on. He describes himself as a completely different person at work, at home with his partner and kids, and then with his friends. Here is part of our exchange:
“What would it be like if you were simply “you” in all three areas of your life, instead of three different versions of you?” I asked.
There was a long pause.
“It would be the biggest relief of my life” he said.
“So, what’s stopping you?” I asked.
“I may end up entirely alone”, he said.
This is often the fear. If we are truly who we are will people still like us? Will they abandon us? Will we be rejected? Well, every time we are anyone other than our self, we are in essence rejecting our self.
Imagine allowing yourself to truly wake up instead of living a life that is composed of only various versions of you. Imagine what this would be like? Sure, there may be some fear of the uncertainty surrounding this, but also allow yourself to feel what that may be like. Imagine being out of that relationship you have been wanting to exit for a long time or that job that has been weighing you down. Imagine having that talk with your mother that you have been putting off or picking up that new hobby that you keep putting off because you don’t think you would be good enough at it? When we begin to take a deeper look at our life and begin admitting the truth about ourselves and our relationships we will begin undergoing a powerful transformation. Our daily interactions which were once infused with avoidance, numbing out, escapism, and disconnection will now begin to feel more real and will be based on truth which is completely grounded in our own reality.
I will conclude this post by saying that while I am aware of how terribly difficult being authentic and vulnerable can be, I am also so inspired by the people I encounter in my life who have done and/or continue to do the hard work. Those who continue to take risks. Those who allow themselves to show up and be seen. Those who allow themselves to fall when they need to. Those who are courageous enough to say that being vulnerable is simply too difficult or not safe for them at this time. Those who start the ongoing process of embracing who they really are. The process of being authentic is never finished. It is ongoing. This doesn’t mean that we must jump in head first, it just simply means that we start somewhere. When we commence the process of digging a little deeper, bit by bit, we begin to foster a new connection with our “self” on a deeper level, let go of connections that are unhealthy, and risk embracing new connections.
