Thinking a lot about fear, or rather, feeling a lot about fear.
Many people have been conditioned to believe that fear is very much the enemy. Perhaps you have been taught that being afraid means that you are weak. Its like the old saying “have no fear” because feeling fear would put you in a very vulnerable place.
Fear is present because the future is unknown. Guess what? It always will be. However, it is often not fear itself that hinders us, but rather our relationship with fear. Fear is one of the most commonly expressed and experienced emotions, but how we respond to it – or don’t – gives us a lot of information about our relationship with it.
What do you do when you are afraid of something? How do you respond to fear? Avoid, distract, numb out? Or do you face it head on? What is your relationship with fear?
Think, for a moment, about the fear of joy and/or happiness. Yes, let that sink in for a moment. Even writing that feels odd, but it is so common. Some people fear happiness and joy because they don’t feel they deserve it. In my experience, I have come to learn that one of the most commonly feared emotions is joy (right next to love).
We fear joy because we fear losing it.
Just recently, someone said to me “I am always waiting for the ball to drop so I have stopped getting too happy about anything because if it does not work out I will not be too upset and if it does, then I will be pleasantly surprised”. That in and of itself is the fear of joy and happiness accompanied with the fear of losing both. When we finally reach a point in our life where we are experiencing joy, our mind tends to automatically go to a place where we think about what it may be like without feeling joy. It is in this moment that we may do all sorts of things to shut the feeling off, rather than be with it. When we reject fear, it becomes fiercer and has a much bigger impact on us. However, if we welcome it and embrace it, it can come with ease and its intensity is not nearly as strong.
In essence, we are all afraid. We fear so many things, such as;
Fear that you may not be secure enough
Fear that you may not be thin enough
Fear that you may not be successful enough
Fear that you may not be good enough
Fear that you may be alone
Fear that you may not be loved enough
Fear that you may not have enough
Fear that YOU ARE NOT ENOUGH
While one of the main emotions we experience is fear, the other one consists of love. It is interesting how the fear of love often results.
It was John Lennon who said “there are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back on life. When we are in love, we open to all life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance.”
Many of you might be thinking “yeah right, the fear of love?” It’s true. One of the things that people want the most (love and connection) is the one thing they end up rejecting the most. Many people have such a fear that they will be rejected or that they are unlovable in some way that they end up pushing it away in the process.
True loves leave us feeling vulnerable. To feel vulnerable means to feel fear. Often people spend so much time putting on a mask in order to cover their real self. They are afraid of someone else not liking or even loving the real them and in turn they only offer a version of themselves. When we get to a place where we are ready to allow ourselves to fall in love, we are taking a great risk because we become immersed in a place of being vulnerable. We are also allowing ourselves to embrace our fear. I often hear “but it was so good in the beginning”. I often ask, “yes, but were you authentically yourself in the beginning or a version of yourself”. The most authentic relationship that you can ever have is one which consists of you simply being you. With that in mind, think about the people in your life who really know you. Are there many? Who are they?
One of the greatest risks and joys is in allowing yourself to experience both love and fear. We are all afraid at times, but we are also incredibly brave. Rather than focusing on what you have to lose by embracing what you are afraid of, think about what you will gain. For example, if you are wanting to leave a relationship you are unhappy in, if you only think about what you may lose, you will never leave. If you allow yourself to think about what you have to gain, you will be able to make they move necessary for yourself. When you are focused on what you may lose, you are trying to play it safe. You are afraid of making a mistake or having regrets. You become shut down to the concept of taking a risk, even if this risk can bring about a chance for happiness.
Upon closing this post, I will leave you with a quote by Brene Brown:
“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”
Just remember, everything you want is on the other side of fear.
