The following post comes from a very brave individual whom I’ve had the honour of spending time with in the latter part of her therapeutic journey in recovering from an eating disorder. I will always admire her courage, integrity, and willingness to persevere, even when through the moments of discomfort. She wrote the following post and has given me permission to share it.
Thank you for sharing. You are truly remarkable.
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25 Things My Eating Disorder Taught Me
I’ve spent 19 years of my life suffering from an eating disorder. I struggle to remember a time in my life when food, calories and feeling like I was I was never good enough wasn’t something that filled my thoughts. The day before I turned 30, I had a realization that this wasn’t the life that I wanted, and started therapy 2 weeks later. Here are some of the things I’ve learned in the past 6 months.
1. The best therapist is someone who’s actually understands the complexity of an eating disorder. This isn’t the first time I’ve been in therapy for my eating disorder. However this is the first time I’ve had a therapist that realizes it goes deeper than just a fear of food. I can say anything to her and she gets it. She knows exactly how I feel and how lonely, controlling and complex an eating disorder is. She never mentions my weight or what/how much I should eat. And with the focus off food and my weight I am able to deal with the underlying issues which aid in my recovery.
2. Admitting you need help is scary. Getting help is even scarier. The scariest conversation I ever had with my husband was telling him I had an eating disorder and needed help. Going to therapy and learning to let go of something I’ve lived with for 19 years and the only way I knew how to cope with life was terrifying. But I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and this was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.
3. Curls are hot. I have spent years doing everything humanly possible to have straight hair. Growing up all the girls at school had straight hair and I wanted to be just like them. I stopped straightening my hair a few days ago and I love my curls. I feel much hotter and sexier than I did with straight hair. And if it wasn’t for my eating disorder and going through therapy I don’t think I would have ever had the confidence to wear my hair curly. Plus I’m sure my kids enjoy that it no longer takes me an hour every morning to get ready.
4. I don’t have to like everybody. I am a people pleaser. I hate conflict and wanted everyone to like me, and I felt I should like everyone back. However there are some people you are just never going to like, you can tolerate them when necessary but you will never like them. And that’s okay.
5. The only one who cares what you look like or how much you weigh is you. I can promise you that when you’re in a room full of people wondering if you look fat or if your outfit is okay, no one is even paying attention. And if you do encounter the one person who makes it her personal mission in life to put people down, just feel sorry for her. Because she isn’t happy with herself and wants to make you miserable too. But you’re better than that.
6. Know what works for you. When I first decided to try therapy, I called an eating disorder group that offered free treatment. I found out it was mostly group therapy and knowing myself and how competitive I was with my weight and wanted to be the skinniest person in the room, I knew that wasn’t going to help me. I ended up paying for my therapist but I know I would not be where I am in terms of my recovery if I had done group therapy.
7. Food isn’t scary. I remember when I first started therapy, she told me that there is a life when food doesn’t occupy every thought and it’s so freeing. I laughed to myself and thought she was full of shit. Guess what? I now eat 3 meals a day plus snacks and I look forward to meal time.
8. Eating does not equal weight gain. I eat; my weight is still the same as what it was 6 months ago. Who knew?
9. You need to get better for you. I started therapy to get better for everyone else. I realized how my eating disorder was affecting everyone in my life, my husband; my daughters and I never wanted either one of my girls to go through an eating disorder. I wasn’t doing it for me. It wasn’t until 4 months after I started that I finally felt ready to get better for me. And I’ve made more progress in the past 6 weeks than I did in those 4 months.
10. Lipstick isn’t scary. I have the kind of lips Kim Kardashian paid for. I spent my childhood being called Ronald McDonald lips. My teenage years were filled with sexual comments about my lips from hormone ridden teenage boys. I learned early not to draw any unnecessary attention to my lips. A few weeks ago I was at Sephora and tried some lipstick. It looked good, and I didn’t look like Ronald McDonald with red lips.
11. Working out is no longer about losing weight or looking good. I love how strong and accomplished I feel after a work out. If the scale changes numbers or my thighs get smaller great, if not it doesn’t matter because I still feel great.
12. I also no longer feel that I HAVE to workout. I’m not going to gain 100 lbs because I skipped a few workouts, the world won’t end. It’s not the key to my happiness.
13. No one cares what you look like in a bathing suit except you. It’s not the terrifying experience magazines make it out to be. I can put on a bathing suit, wear it in public and not think I’m the grossest thing in the world.
14. My husband knew a lot more than I thought he did. I used to feel that he wasn’t supportive because he never asked how things were going, or mentioned food or my weight. I thought he didn’t care. It turns out not mentioning those things were the best thing he could have done. He gave me what I needed the most and I didn’t even realize it, he let me figure out what I needed to do to get better and figure things out without jumping down my throat. I wish more people in my life took his approach.
15. Quality over quantity. I love shopping, I love deals. I am the type of person that will buy something even if I don’t like it because it’s a good deal and it might get worn once before it sits in my closest untouched. I spent New Year’s Day cleaning out my closet and getting rid of all those impulse purchases. My wardrobe is a lot smaller now but it’s filled with stuff I like. When I go shopping now I’m not looking for the cheapest thing on sale rack, I’m looking for things I will wear forever and the best quality I can afford.
16. I hate the stigma that comes with an eating disorder. When I tell people I have an eating disorder and am in treatment, there’s dead silence. No one knows what to say and the subject is quickly changed. It’s not viewed as a disease it’s viewed as a choice. If I had cancer no one would one would ever dream of thinking that was something I chose, and I would be told how brave and strong I am for going through treatment and everyone would voice their support. So why is it any different with an eating disorder? I didn’t wake up one day and decide hey I’m going to spend 19 years of my life fighting an eating disorder and being miserable. It is a real disease and I am brave and strong for going through treatment and I deserve support too.
17. I am lucky. I have two amazing girls, the ability to stay to home and raise my toddler while being home when my oldest gets home from school. I have an amazing husband who works his ass off so I’m able to do this. I have a nice house, car, clothes, great friends and family, and the greatest guy ever.
18. It doesn’t matter how many friends you have, as long as you have one or two people that you know will have your back through everything that’s all you need.
19. Unconditional love. I’m not talking about the love you feel for your parents or child, I’m talking about the love where you know no matter what happens, no matter how tough things get that person will stick it out with you. I put my husband through hell. There were so many times I didn’t think that we would make it, my eating disorder clouded my judgement, was a constant voice in my head telling me that because he didn’t do this or this that he didn’t love me. And I would lash out at him, start fights and just be an overall miserable bitch to him. It would have been so easy for him to say I didn’t sign up for this shit and just leave but yet he’s still here, still tells me he loves me, still sleeps beside me, and still planning our future together. I know that no matter what I have him and that we can get through anything together. I am really lucky.
20. My body is pretty awesome. It’s not perfect, but after everything I’ve put it through, it still housed 2 beautiful, healthy girls for 9 months (or 10 but who’s counting?). Those 2 stretch marks that used to piss me off and make me sad every time I looked in the mirror? They’re a constant reminder of how amazing my body really is.
21. My husband prefers me with curves. And I have to agree with him, I wasn’t attractive when I was battling my eating disorder. Looking back at the few picture I have from that time, I looked sick and unhealthy. A few pounds and some food later, I’m back to looking healthy and(dare I say) attractive.
22. Recovery is not always easy.
23. Bad days are ok. I have days where I don’t think anything looks good, my ass is too big, I eat junk all day and that voice will pop back into my head telling me if I don’t eat I’ll feel better. But now I am strong enough to NOT listen to that voice and carrying on with my life. I’ve skipped meals, I’ve been super skinny, and that never made me feel better.
24. I am okay just the way I am. I am never going to always be the skinniest person in the room. I’m not always going to be the most friendly or outgoing. I won’t have straight shiny hair or perfect teeth or a 6 pack. I am not perfect and I am never going to be, but that’s ok.
25. Happiness is reading the same book to my toddler a hundred times a day, chasing my kids around the house, snuggles and stories before bedtime, laughing with my husband and cuddles in the middle of the night. There is no magic number on the scale or anything I can buy that would give me the same feeling.
I still have a ways to go in my recovery. I am no longer a person with an eating disorder; I am person recovering from an eating disorder. And some day I will be a person that’s recovered completely from an eating disorder..
